You know, there have been times in my life where I have felt like I hit a fork in the road. I have found it incredibly difficult to choose paper or plastic, debit or credit, left or right. I have been confronted with a plethora of situations that, whether or not they deserved it, I have dealt with in a far more complicated manner than necessary. Maybe my brain is just wired the wrong way or maybe I have a complex where I can’t just think of one, for lack of a better term, solution. Yet, with all of life’s conundrums, I have never found myself at such a fork. I have never been teetering on such uneasy ground before. Just when I thought yes or no receipt with my gas was a problem, I find that life has so many moments to challenge you that are beyond explanation.

I wanted to attempt to make this as light-hearted as possible, because I made a promise to myself that this blog was meant to be a way for me to expel my positive energy in situations less than noticed. Yet, in light of recent events, I have to bring the tone down, as I don’t think I’ve ever been this internally upset in my life. Details are not important. Those who know the details know, and those who don’t will read this dying to know what happened, and maybe in time you will, but for the moment, just read along and understand that I am writing this simply to put my brain in writing in as therapeutic a way as possible. 

I wake up every morning in a routine that has been all I have known. This routine becomes the first part of my day to knock me down. I have been shaken of my habits and it has made me a constant reminder of what isn’t. I slowly gain my voice and my limbs begin their slow awakening process enough for me to walk to the kitchen and see more remnants of this routine. I can’t make toast without even a single situation racing through my head. I meander back to my room, sit in my bed, and the routine that has been tossed in a box, shaken about, and dumped to the floor is in pieces scattered across my brain, attached to even the tiniest crumb on my carpet. In an attempt to clear my brain of constant activity, I do my best with my extensive DVD collection of Sex and the City and Will & Grace. 

You know those moments where you talk about the things in the “back of your mind”? Well, I have no more of them. Nothing is in the back of my mind anymore. Every memory in my head got front row tickets to the screening of “Eternal Sunshine of Kyle’s Mind.” The impossible task of imagining my memories and attempting to siphon out the ones that are no longer is draining in the least. But there is Kate Winslet, stuck in the back of my mind, chained to my skull as though she refuses to leave - like a crazy Greenpeace patriot attached to the last remaining tree in the world. 

My strength lies in validation. I siphon through these memories, routines, whatever code name you wish to attach to them, and make validations. My heart is strengthened with knowing that in some way, I will be okay - that maybe its the times in life like this that really shape you for the next chapter. That’s what I’ve been told my whole life is this bullshit that will rain down on you is there to shape the path you will take, shape the way you make decisions, shape the way you handle similar situations in the future. It is meant to give you the balls you need to survive. I have seen people close to me come through nearly mirrored situations and not a scratch. A few scars, but nothing visible. But that’s the thing is where does one stop and decide where the line is? What makes the line between the nicks you get from shaving and someone taking a machete to one of your arms? I’ve always said I can’t just cut off an arm, but who can? Who has the strength to just instantly lose something so valuable? But to that effect, if you cut yourself deep enough when shaving, a task that is not supposed to be difficult, that could lead to your downfall - though I’d hope that if you’re able to patiently sit through this blabber about metaphors you’re able to shave properly.

It’s a situation that is irreversible. I’ve nicked myself plenty of times but I never realized that all of those little cuts that never bothered me when they happened would eventually take the place of that machete. I could cover myself in bandaids, but that only makes me look like I’m trying to hide a problem - not create a permanent solution (for those who have that problem, attempt an electric shaver). 

All metaphors aside, I have a newfound emptiness inside of me. There is a part of me that is no longer there. I have attempted to fill it with a multitude of things before, but it’s a seriously specific shape. My brain is trying to work out the problems; my heart is trying to work out it’s own problems. I can’t seem to get them to work together. I’m in a constant court battle for custody of how I’m feeling, how I’m thinking, and how I want to react. So much has happened; so much has passed. I feel like the time I spent creating this routine wasn’t for anything but growth, and maybe it’s time to find a new path to grow with? It’s an answer that will come with time. 

In the mean time, I’m sitting here going through my life as though it will have eternal sunshine, with a few spots here and there. One thing I know is certain, my mind will never be spotless. My memories and my routines have shaped this person I am - more so than I can even realize. I’m sad. I’m different. I wish there was a way to take the problems and sift them through a colander, but they will always be there unless you change the recipe. There is no solution except time, and for now, my heart belongs to patience and hope. Maybe those routines will return. Maybe more memories will be made. The problem with maybe is that it’s a fork in the road. Maybe this way, maybe that way. It’s one of those maps that you won’t know you went down the fork’s path until you’ve already started - and I just hope that the path I take has the sunshine my life has always had. 

xx.